The Honeymooners on Krypton

I saw this picture on Facebook of a statue portraying baby Kal-El, who would one day grow up to be Superman, strapped inside his rocket as his Kryptonian parents, Jor-El and Lara said their farewells.

I thought, this is very cool! At first, I thought it was a painting, but reading about it, the article said it was a statue that came out some years ago.

THEN I thought...  imagine if Jor-El was Ralph Kramden (Jackie Gleason) aka "Ralph-El", and Lara was Alice aka "Laralice" (Audrey Meadows). Throw in a little Ed Norton (Art Carney) as   "Nor-Ton" and we've got what I loving call 

--  "The Honeymooners on Krypton"!!

Let's peek in on the harried couple on the day of Krypton's alleged doom....

The scene opens with a familiar face beaming down on Krypton from its golden moon. As we zoom down through the planet's clouds, we approach a Kryptonian city. Moving ever closer, we spy an old apartment building. There, in the kitchen window, we see the nose cone of a small rocket aimed toward the sky. Inside, Ralph-El and his wizened beyond her years wife, Laralice, have just strapped their infant son, Kal-El into the baby seat within the rocket, sealing the hatch. They are clearly upset.

"BANG ZOOM!" Ralph-El would say.

Just then, Nor-Ton would zip in the door. "Hey there, Ralphie boy! Whatcha got there?" 

"Not now, Nor-Ton, we're sending little Kal to Earth!"

Pushing his hat back, Nor-Ton blinks. "Why are you gonna do that, if I might ask?"

"Oh RALPH!" Laralice cries. "My BABY!"

"Because, pal o'mine, the planet's about to EXPLODE into a billion pieces!!"

"A billion pieces? Well, gee Ralph, I don't know why you're, why you're thinking something like that."

"Somethin' like that? Somethin' like THAT?" Ralph-El begins pacing the room. "Nor-Ton, haven't you felt the GROUND shakin'? Haven't you seen the PLUMES of FIRE shootin' up inta that air? 'Somethin' like THAT'? We're all dead men, Nor-Ton. D-E-D, DEAD! Well little KAL ain't gonna wind up like the rest of us, no sir!"

"No, Nor-Ton," Laralice interjects, "We feel that Kal would be better off on the Earth, where he can..." Laralice begins to weep, "Where he can grow up with other boys... (sob) and have a loving family again!" Laralice wipes her eyes with her apron.

"On Earth, he'll be a big man, Nor-Ton! BIG! BIGGER THAN ME, even!"

"Uhhh, gee Ralph, that's pretty big," Nor-Ton points at the larger man's girth. "There's almost nobody on alla East 53rd Street and New Krypton Avenue that's as big as you! Hee hee hee..."

Ralph-El starts waving his arms at Nor-Ton, screaming, "WILL YOU GET OUTTA HERE!!"

"Sheesh," Nor-Ton says, "What a grouch!!"

Ralph-El and Laralice walk over to the rocket once more, looking inside at the sleeping tyke, and hug one another as Ralph-El pushes the launch button to send the child skyward.

"Anyway, I don't know what you're so upset about, Ralph!" Nor-Ton shrugs. "There's no calamity coming! Krypton's not blowing up!"

Laralice glances back, wiping away her tears. "Why do you say THAT, Nor-Ton?"

"Well, that's not the ground that's been shakin', Laralice. That's what I've been tryin' ta tell you. That's just the SEWER backing up into the Science Council's Chambers again, just like LAST YEAR, when Ralph ate all of those Hantha sprouts and used their facilities!"

"WHAT?" Laralice gasps. "Oh Ralph, STOP THE COUNTDOWN!!"





"Homina-homina.... I -- I CAN'T, Laralice, I don't know how ta work this thing!!"

"OH RALPH!!"

Steam erupts from the vessel's port vents as it prepares to launch.

"Oh RALPH, DO SOMETHING!!"

"Wh-wh- wait-a-minute!! What about the plumes a'fire? The flames?"

Nor-Ton chuckles, "Oh, that's just HOT GAS igniting, Ralph!! You know all ABOUT hot gas escapin', right Laralice? Hee hee hee."

Ralph-El hollers louder, "WILL YOU STOP MAKING WITH THE WISECRACKS!?"

Pulling at the rocket door, Ralph-El tries to free the baby, burning his hand instead. "AAHHHHH!!!" Walking around the room, holding his wrist, he bellows again, "AAHHHHH!!!"

Just then, the room goes dark. The rocket launcher goes dead, and the launch is stopped.

"Oh, quick Nor-Ton, help me get him out of there before the power comes back on!!"

Jamming a kitchen knife into the seal, the duo pop the hatch, freeing the baby once more as Ralph-El sheepishly looks at his wife, son and best friend.

"Gee, Laralice, I really blew it, didn't I? I'm sorry. I almost sent our little baby boy inta outer space and got him adopted by aliens we don't even know, all because I was scared and jumped to all the wrong conclusions."

"Ralph," Laralice smiles, "Everything's all right."

"Yeah," Nor-Ton says, "Good thing the power went out when it did!"

Laughing, Laralice pulls an envelope out of her apron. "I guess this is why."

Ralph looks at the envelope a moment, then at her, confused.

"I guess in all the excitement, I forgot to pay the electric bill this month!!" she laughs.

Putting his arms around his wife, Ralph-El smiles, "Baby, you're the greatest!!"

As the happy couple embrace in a kiss, we *fade to black* as Nor-Ton is heard to utter, "Va-va-va-VOOM!!"




Dedicated to all you HONEYMOONERS fans out there!!

In the words of THE GREAT ONE, "How SWEET it IS!!"


BONUS:
BEHIND THE SCENES OF "THE HONEYMOONERS" TV SHOW: